How has this relationship affected your mental health?

I wrote about this in Post #29 Unexpected Ways Loving My Inmate Has Improved My Life, how our conflict led to curiosity, which has brought me clarity about my mental health.

Conflict with him and the challenges we’ve encountered have opened my eyes to things about myself and my mental health that I had never fully realized before. And awareness is the first step to change!

So, to answer the question, our relationship and the way we relate has negatively impacted my mental health, but in doing so, it has shown me things about myself I would never have known, and which I am so very grateful to know. Now I am working on those parts of myself.

Has it made you stronger or more stressed?

I would say both. The stress comes first, and from the stress comes the strength. I have much more confidence and chutzpa than I did before I met my Misfit Toy. I used to let people walk all over me. Not anymore.

How do you cope with the emotional ups and downs?

I hate them.

Every visit we plan, there is always the chance that his yard will be on lockdown and visiting will be cancelled. (I am very thankful he’s not on C yard, because C yard has a reputation, and it’s always getting shut down.) Now that I’m living only 45 minutes away, this worry is thankfully greatly reduced, because all I’d have to do is drive back home. But imagine flying from halfway across the country! You could arrive in town only to find out visiting has been cancelled.

This is a genuine reality. It even happened to multiple families who flew out for the 2025 graduation. MFT knew of people who flew in from Hawaii and of another group from New York. They arrived in town, and their yard was on lockdown. The graduation was cancelled. (To add insult to injury, the lockdown was for what we considered a frivolous reason.)

Knowing the way my brain works, If MFT should ever get the chance to go before the parole board, that whole process will be a very big challenge for my mental health. It will be one long, drawn-out, torturous series of steps—hoping and praying for each one to go smoothly and fearing the worst at each one.  

Do you feel like you’ve changed as a person?

Undoubtedly.

I am not as innocent and naïve as I used to be (very Amish-like, as MFT loves to say). MFT is a very worldly man, even before he ever went to prison. He shares all this knowledge with me, guiding me and teaching me how to experience the world in a safe way. My eyes have been opened!

What have you learned about yourself?

I have learned to depend on myself. I have learned that I can do things myself. I have learned that I am capable. I have learned that I don’t need a man (but he sure is nice to have). I have learned that I can make wise financial decisions. I have learned that I can operate a drill, pay bills, and plunge a toilet. (But squishing scary bugs is another story.)

How do you maintain your own emotional identity so you don’t absorb all of his stress and trauma from inside?

I’m actually very good at this. This is a benefit of my AuDHD. My autism can put stressful things into a box, close the lid, and set it on a shelf. My ADHD forgets the box is even there. To some people (even MFT), this may look like I don’t care, but it’s actually a self-preservation strategy. If I didn’t do this, I would become overwhelmed by worries and fears for him and be unable to cope in my daily life.

For instance, because I was always asking him questions about Life Inside, he suggested I watch shows like Lock Up or the movie Shot Caller (2017) so I’d have a better idea of the environment he has to navigate in there. The movie was so overwhelming for me. I could not function from these new fears about what could happen to him. I remember lying in bed and sobbing. This is what happens if I do not put scary things into a box.

[MFT: Just for clarification, Dolly is always asking me, over and over—what’s going on, what I’m experiencing, what it’s like in here, what was it like when I first got in, and so on, and I thought it would be good for her if she could watch some of those reality shows along with the movie because I thought they were a very good depiction of how things can and do work in here. However, at the time I didn’t know how fragile she is or I definitely would have bypassed that particular movie. Even though I had my movie-worthy moments as a freshman, I reassured her over and over that I’m a senior now (Literally! The young guys call me OG). Whenever she has fears, I remind her that I have a good rhythm, and I know how to handle myself. I know how to work around chaos.]

As a side note, this has happened with other events in my life as well—most often with things I read in the newspaper (which is why I don’t read the newspaper). The Heaven’s Gate Cult suicides incapacitated me for an entire day. Most recently, it happened after reading about the Dallas Cowboys player who committed suicide.

What does emotional self-care actually look like when you can’t just call or hug your partner whenever you’re having a meltdown?

Usually, it looks like popcorn and Friends (you don’t need a link for that show). Or ice cream, but I try to stay away from that (pre-portioned treats are better for me).

[MFT: Even though she’s been doing a great job getting her balance in that area, what she deems a defeat is my victory at Family Visits. Yum Yum!]

So yeah, MFT isn’t too good at long-distance hugs. It usually just causes an argument, because, bless his heart, he thinks he is hugging me from a distance, but he’s not. And I get frustrated because if I asked for verbal hugs, why can’t I get them? So I’ve learned to depend on myself for emotional self-care rather than risk an argument, which is always more likely when I’m not doing well emotionally. I get more snippy, shall we say.

Do you ever feel guilty for having a good day or celebrating a win on the outside when he’s stuck inside?

I do feel guilty at times, usually involving really good food. *grin* (But that’s just me. He’s told me that my delicious food doesn’t bother him.) Or when I know it’s especially loud and chaotic in there for him and he can’t just get up and go to another room like I can. He won’t use earplugs either, because it’s unwise to be that disconnected from what’s going on around him, if you know what I mean.

To sum up my mental health—it’s so good for me to be living only 45 minutes away from him now. We’re under the same sky, seeing the same sunsets. We get to see each other in person once a week which is just amazing. It’s so good for us. But I am noticing a very unusual phenomenon. Previously, four months apart was not so bad. I could do it. Now, the week before I can see him again goes on forever!