How do you handle conflict when you’re not physically together?

It’s not easy.

Besides the proverbial Mars and Venus clashing, it’s especially difficult to resolve things when one of us avoids conflict and the other is triggered by said person’s avoidance.

Also, one of us is verbally challenged. The other is keyboard challenged. You can do the kindergarten math on that mismatch.

As I’ve often told him, we’d be able to resolve our arguments so much faster in person. Physical touch is this Dolly’s main love language.

What happens when you fight?

LOLOLOL!!! (literally, as I read the question, because it’s always the same pattern)

First comes a misstep. Then an attempt at resyncing which fails.

Person A (I won’t say who) starts elevating.

Person B reminds Person A they are elevating.

If Person A proceeds with Elevation of Emotions, things almost always become Hopeless, because . . .

Person B also proceeds with Elevation of Emotions.

And then I’m reminded of the Hindenburg.

How do you rebuild after conflict?

Laughing at ourselves is the best way.

And MFT can really make me laugh! Side-splitting, pants-peeing laughter! He has such a knack of caricaturing us. At first, because this was a new concept to me, I was uncomfortable with it, but now that I’ve experienced it and seen how healing it is, I love it. (Most of the time. The times it doesn’t work are when the wounds are still too fresh.)

The way MFT makes me laugh is one of the things I love most about him.

Do you feel emotionally supported by him?

Not always. I don’t expect a man to be able to meet my emotional needs, which are legion. That’s what romance novels are for.

Does he feel emotionally supported by you?

He jokes that I’m Alice in Wonderland.

Dolly in Wonderland is very hard on my poor MFT. Where’s the path? Where did his compass go? Dolly’s just swept it all away.

He writes marks on the trees to guide us. I follow behind and erase them.

MFT says—I know she’s there to support me, and that gives me a sense of value and security. As a whole in actual practice, though, I don’t feel supported at all times in all the ways I need, especially when I feel hurt. I also recognize that my needs are complicated and extensive. (10 Aces and 25 years in prison is a lot to deal with.) However, I have acceptance of the way things have been and are right now because I know about her psychological struggles and developmental asynchrony. I know it’s there. I know she wants to. But she doesn’t have the capabilities to fulfill all my emotional needs at the level I need. One thing I do know and have experienced is that when we’re one-on-one with each other at our family visits, without her words she is very supportive and fulfills a lot of my emotional needs that would normally be spoken.

How do you maintain intimacy?

Attention! Those of you who have issued me forth from your body or have issued forth from my body might want to skip this answer.

I love snuggling and on the phone, snuggling means “being soft and loving” with words. MFT has even helped me fall asleep via speaker phone. My favorite is when he sings me to sleep or tells me our love story.

And just like when we are together for reals, for me the best way is physical touch. But, obviously, most of the time MFT is not here to touch me himself. There’s only one solution. And now I’ll let you use your imaginations . . .

I think this is a good place to address an option that many prison couples use—a stand-in. There are various forms of stand-ins: a body pillow, a stuffed animal, an unwashed shirt, an MFT Travel Edition, to name a few Dolly has used.

(FYI: A stand-in is also useful during conflicts.)

How do you build trust in your situation?

MFT says—Although we had struggles in the beginning, MFT trusts me because I have proven my maturity, loyalty, and character.

As for me, with the way the prison communication system is set up, having multiple girlfriends is very easy for a philandering inmate. My natural low self-esteem combined with Anxiety Brain sometimes worries, but I know MFT’s core belief is honesty, and that carries me through any doubts. In fact, when we first met, he was engaged. He could have hidden that from me, but he didn’t. He let me know in only his second text to me.

Do you ever feel lonely even though you’re in a relationship?

More often than I’d like.

But a big part of that is living in The Lonesome State by myself. I don’t expect to be lonely once I move back near family, friends, and my Misfit Toy.

Coming up next . . . Emotional Reality!