Because this batch of questions deals with emotions, these were difficult for me to answer, but the theme in my group therapy is VULNERABILITY, so I worked hard to answer these honestly and openly (instead of with my usual guardedness).

Is it actually fulfilling?

Compared to a relationship where you live together or can see each other anytime you want—no, it’s not. I believe touch is my main love language, so always being apart means I often have to logically remind myself that he loves me. Once I move back to California, I know this area will get easier, since we’ll be able to see and touch each other frequently—three times a week if we want to! (Regular visits are Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.)

Do you ever regret it?

When we’re fighting, I say I do. But that’s just Angry Emotion Mind talking. And my life has certainly not been easy because of him. I’ve lost friends. I’ve been very alone. But despite all that, I don’t regret it. I just wish it was easier.

What keeps you in the relationship?

I know soulmate sounds trite, but I don’t know that there’s another single word to say what I mean. We connect so well. Even if our relationship ended, I wouldn’t regret his name tattooed on my ring finger. Because it’s hard to imagine there could be anybody else I could have such a close, deep connection with where it feels like we’re two halves of the same person.

Do you feel like you’re sacrificing too much?

I don’t really think of myself as sacrificing my life for him—except financially, and that part is genuinely hard, since I don’t make much as a CNA/HHA. (But I am working on changing careers and am actively applying to remote healthcare admin jobs.)

Are you happy?

I am very happy to call him my husband. I am very happy with the family visits we are so blessed to have now. I am very happy to be moving near him so we can be together more. We also have hope that someday he’ll be able to come home, and that will also make me very happy.

What’s the hardest part?

Continual separation. And now that he has some health issues, worrying about his medical care and how to afford the healthier food he needs.

What’s the best part?

I actually really enjoy my identity as a prison wife. I’ve got the whole visiting system figured out (“knowing the system” is important for my neurodivergent brain). I enjoy the quiet notoriety—which pretty much stays in my head since I generally don’t tell people. But when someone starts talking about prison, my whole brain lights up because I have this secret life they don’t know about. And it’s fun if they make derogatory remarks about prisoners, because I imagine how they’d react if I told them I’m married to one.

How do you cope with missing him physically?

In the beginning, because we had never had much physical contact, it wasn’t hard at all. How can you really miss what you’ve never had? It’s a lot harder now, especially since having family visits. But this is where my out-of-sight, out-of-mind brain comes in handy. I am able to put the longing into a mental box, close the lid, and set it on the shelf for the next four months.

Now, I know I’m not the only one who can answer these questions. If you’re cozied up to an inmate, I’d love to hear your responses! Comment below or send me an email.