Why would you choose this kind of relationship?
First, I didn’t choose this kind of relationship. I fell into it. When we were first pen pals, I didn’t even know there could be such a thing as having a romantic relationship with someone in prison. Why would you do that?
But there was a point where I did consciously choose to go forward. At that point, I trusted my gut. It was definitely not a logical decision. (What an understatement, ha ha!) But I’d lived the last couple decades of my life trying to squash my emotional decisions, so it all came out in this one glorious leap.
Don’t you want a “normal” relationship?
Yes, I do! Our biggest prayer is that laws will change and MFT will be able to someday come home.
There is sadness and a sense of longing sometimes for a relationship with someone who isn’t in prison. Oh, how fun it would be to get dressed up and go out, or walk on the beach at sunset, or spend the weekend at Disneyland. (But I’d have to be on my toes around that Minnie Mouse, as she once tried to steal him away from a previous girlfriend . . . )
But this longing doesn’t change my love and commitment to my husband. This is my life now, and I’m not going to walk away.
Aren’t you wasting your time?
No, not at all. I have his name tattooed on my ring finger. Even if the unthinkable happens and we break up, I will not regret that tattoo. To sink into the abyss of an overused phrase, he’s the love of my life. I know there can never be someone else I can be this deeply connectedwith (nor would I want to). I never fully comprehended the meaning of being one with someone before MFT.
Are you embarrassed to tell people?
Not at first, but it grew on me.
Nowadays, because of past responses, I assume everybody will react with a negative opinion. (But I’m learning in therapy that assumptions are usually wrong.) If I had known how alone I would be because of this relationship, I wonder if I would have gone forward with it. I naively thought that because I love MFT, other people will love him too.
The times people have been supportive have honestly shocked me, and I try to tell them how much their support means to me, how much it means when they talk about him as a normal person. Because he is!
What do your friends/family think?
Some people have been distinctly unsupportive, others have been neutral, and others have been supportive. For a long time, the neutral ones got lumped in with the unsupportive ones in my mind, so it felt as though the number of truly supportive people was very small. But I’ve come to see that the neutral is more likely coming from a feeling of awkwardness and not knowing how to talk about him.
Do you tell people the truth about your relationship?
Not overtly, because of not knowing how they might respond. My coworker asked if I think I’ll ever want to remarry. I said, “Not right now.” Technically that was true, because I’m very, very happy being married to my misfit toy, but obviously, she had a different idea in mind. She knew I was divorced, but I’d never mentioned being remarried, because that would bring up all sorts of things I don’t want to discuss with you, thank you very much.
Only the people I trust get the full truth. Believe me, after homeschooling for so many years, I’m very good at choosing the hill I want to die on. (Therapy is helping me to be more vulnerable in my interactions with people, so I do predict a change in this pattern of secrecy.)
What do you say when people ask what your husband does?
I recently fielded a question similar to this. I was talking about my boys, and then the lady asked, “What does your husband do? Is he retired?” I said, “Not yet,” and then quickly switched the topic. (Despite my teasing about his life in ClubMed, MFT is a very busy man and is definitely not retired.) Reliving it while typing this, I realized I had avoided looking at her when I said that. If she were skilled in reading body language, that would have been a big giveaway that I was hiding something!
There’s only been one person in the history of our relationship who has persistently asked enough questions to push past my willow-branch answers and arrive at the truth. She eventually asked a question (“Why does he live in central California?”) to which the only possible answer was, “He’s in prison.”
Leave a Reply