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#3 What to Wear When You Go to Prison

This post is written and ready to post, except for a little bit of prison snafu.

You see, since this blog is about MFT, I have promised him that I won’t post anything without reading it to him first, so he can utilize his power to veto which I have graciously given him. But, I have not been able to do that because (besides travelling last week) the WiFi and phones are completely out at the prison. We’re going on 48 hours of zero communication.

I will post as soon as I can!

Meanwhile, I’ll be over here on the Island feeling sad and lonely without my favorite toy.

***

Finally, after almost 60 hours, we’ve been reunited—and it feels so good—here is Post #3 . . .

So, you want to visit a prison? (Well, maybe want is the wrong word.)

You’re going to need something to wear. Waltzing in in your everyday togs most likely won’t cut it (unless you’re of the Little House on the Prairie sect). I’m talking mostly to the women in this post. And you all know why this talk is geared to the gals . . .

Besides the down-to-there tops and the body-con dresses, there are so many permutations of what you cannot wear. The fear is that your sexiness will incite your inmate to take you right there on your visiting table and we can’t have that! Don’t we all know that prisoners have no self-control? Cleavage is also a good hiding spot for things you shouldn’t be bringing in.

Anyways, it can be quite overwhelming to the neophyte. And this is where I come in! I’ll guide you through it all in a hopefully easy-to-understand and enjoyable manner.

As an FYI, I’m coming from a don’t-push-the-boundaries, follow-the-rules perspective at a single yard at one prison. (MFT has been very blessed to be in the same building—on the same yard—in the same prison—for 7 years now.[1]) And, to toot my own horn, my method works. In 47 visits,[2] I have only been told to go back to my car[3] and change 5 times. That works out to an 89% success rate. (4200 divided by 47.)

And one of those treks was because MFT really wanted me to wear this one dress. I knew said dress wouldn’t get through, but I humored him. So, if we count only those rejections of an outfit I chose, and not one chosen by my horny husband, my success rate moves up to 91%. (4300 divided by 47.)

I think the best approach is to follow the rules as closely as possible. It speeds up your processing time and—this is my own gut feeling—gives you a good reputation with the CO’s which can only make things smoother for you. If you get a reputation as someone who is always trying to get away with stuff, they’ll naturally look more closely at you in the future.

So, here are the rules:

  1. BRING A SPARE OUTFIT. This is THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE. I have seen women turned away for the wrong bra and now they are faced with trying to find one at 8:00 AM on a weekend in a little, remote town. No fun!
  2. Your bra (and slip) must have NO metal—no underwire, no hooks, no sliders. Even those eensy-weensy hooks will trigger the metal detector. We are reduced to wearing pull-on sleep or sports bras with no support for the gals and no sliders to adjust the strap length (unless you are 100% sure they are plastic).
  3. Colors—certain colors are verboten![4] Do not wear ORANGE (inmate jumpsuit color), DENIM BLUE (inmate dress clothes), BEIGE & OLIVE GREEN (daren’t impersonate a guard). It’s best to stay away from all blue, since color is so subjective. Don’t despair—there are colors you can wear. Black, white, red, green, gray, yellow, purple, and pink are fine. The reason for this color segregation is that the CO’s need to be able to glance at the room and be able to instantly tell who is who (inmate vs. visitor).
  4. Dresses and shorts must come to the knee. (Who else is now having flashbacks from attending private schools?)
  5. No hats.
  6. Only one type of jewelry and hair accessory. (ie. You can wear more than one piece of jewelry, but only one ring, one necklace, etc.)
  7. No metal hair accessories.
  8. Hoodies are iffy. Best to skip them.
  9. No camo.
  10. BRING A SPARE OUTFIT. Always have a change of clothing in your trunk. Even something that went through once can be tagged by another officer. They have final say, and you have no say if you want to get in.
  11. Nothing too sheer.
  12. Nothing too tight.
  13. Nothing too low-cut.
  14. No layers that you cannot remove and still be modest. They’ll ask you to do it. (This is because they can’t trust us not to remove the top layer and stash it in the bathroom once we’re through security. The visiting room CO’s do not monitor visitor clothing.[5])
  15. No patterned nylons (you know, with the sexy seam up the back or—heaven forbid—all-over lace)
  16. Sleeveless straps—They must be as wide as your driver’s license. The long way.[6]
  17. BRING A SPARE OUTFIT. Dolly’s advice–think dowdy and frumpy for this one. Loose and baggy. I have a teal t-shirt dress that I like to use as my spare.

So, I hear you wondering, what can we wear? Well, the Mennonites now have an online catalog. You can visit your local Catholic school for ideas. And look in your grandma’s closet—you’ll be surprised what you can find that would be appropriate!

But seriously, jokes aside,[7] here’s what you CAN wear:

  1. Dresses (NOT the body-con kind!)
  2. Tops + Pants (NOT leggings-as-pants!)
  3. Tops + Bermuda Shorts (oh, baby!)
  4. Tops + Skirts (to you-know-where!)

Think MODESTY.

I know, I know—it’s not a popular word anymore. But you don’t have to wear these clothes anywhere else. You don’t really want to have to walk ALL the way back to your car to change, do you? It cuts into your visiting time.

Another reason not to push the boundaries—if the CO’s have to take extra time with you, it slows the whole line up, and all the people behind you might be looking at your too-tight, thong-showing backside with daggers. I don’t know about you, but that would make me uncomfortable.

That being said, I’ve been shocked at what I’ve seen get through, especially compared to the things I’ve been tagged on. (I won’t give details here, because I wouldn’t want to inadvertently encourage you down the path of wickedness.) The world is not fair, people.

If you visit regularly, invest in some basic pieces that you know will work. I have a Visiting Wardrobe, because I get bored easily. (MFT would be perfectly happy if I wore a potato sack. He just wants to see me. He says you’d be surprised how many inmates feel this way. So ladies, please don’t stress about looking perfect!)

Some other tips for getting through the gauntlet:

  1. Like the TSA lines at the airport, be prepared to remove your jewelry, hair accessory, belt, and shoes to go through the metal detector.
  2. Metal zippers and buttons on pants do go through the metal detector.
  3. All pockets will need to be proven empty.
  4. If wearing something with a waistband, you’ll need to prove there’s nothing hiding in it.

Disclaimer of Liability: The blogger is not responsible for any damage or loss resulting from the use of this advice. Every prison has slightly different rules. Even every yard in the same prison can vary, because it all comes down to the CO looking at your clothes. And they might be hangry.

So, I know you’ve all been DYING to know what I was tagged on. Here ya go—

  1. The split hem on a dress went up too high, even though the actual hem was long enough.
  2. Black lacy nylons. (I forgot myself that day. I had no regard for MFT’s lack of self-control around overt sexiness. Shame on me.[8])
  3. A metal headband. (They give you the option to throw small things away, but I wanted to keep it, so back to the car I went.)
  4. Umbrellas on only-cloudy, threatening-to-rain days are not allowed. Only if it’s ACTUALLY raining.
  5. MFT’s cute, vintage-style dress[9] had too much skin up top showing, even though there was no cleavage. It had a very large scoop neckline.

Okay, get out there looking your frumpiest and enjoy your visit!

Oh, one last thing. For others who like dresses, here are my favorites (no affiliation, no kickback)—

  1. BELAROI Plus Size Sundress Casual Summer Loose Tank Dress Beach Cover Ups Vacation Outfits Pockets Ruffle Hem

 https://tinyurl.com/dollymft  (look at those nice wide straps!)

  • DB MOON Women Summer Casual Short Sleeve Dresses Empire Waist Dress with Pockets

https://tinyurl.com/mymisfit  (my favorite t-shirt dress)

  • DB MOON Womens 2025 Summer Maxi Dresses Casual Short Sleeve Empire Waist Spring Long Dress with Pockets

https://tinyurl.com/not-techy  (I LOVE these maxi dresses! I wore one as my prison wedding dress.)

[1] Not counting the Covid quarantine campouts where everybody was crammed into the gym.

[2] Yes, I track many seemingly useless bits of data in my life. It’s only 47 because Covid shut down visiting for 14 months, and I’ve always lived at least 300 miles away. *sigh*

[3] Not a quick jaunt.

[4] German for forbidden. Yes, I love using footnotes. You don’t have to read them, because anything I put in a footnote is just frivolous, usually fun information.

[5] It is my personal belief that if one were so foolhardy as to try to dump a conservative layer and walk into the room in a flagrantly obvious violation of Rules 1-17, the CO’s in the visiting room would just enjoy the view.

[6] This and Rule #4 are the ones I hate the most. If you’re tall like me, it’s very difficult to find knee-length dresses that are actually knee-length. And good luck on rule #16!

[7] I have no idea if the Mennonites have an online catalog. It’s just my attempt at irony.

[8] More irony!

[9] He surprised me with it! MFT picked it out with the help of his friend and paid for it himself.