This is the fourth and final part in my series on how to communicate with your inmate. Please remember, your results may differ, depending on your state, your prison, and your success at remembering certain high-alert words.

Texting

This isn’t texting as you know it. Our texts have to be approved. Most of the time the approval process is fairly instantaneous, unless the bot detects a suspect word (written by either of us), which is anything drug-related or the obvious, like escape or kill. I won’t mention how frequently a certain dolly accidentally uses one of these words, because it’s embarrassing.[1]

Escape & Kill the Black Trees

FYI, there are a lot of drug-related words those of us who don’t use drugs aren’t even aware of—like grass, glass, white, black,[2] trees (yes, trees)—until your text is still PENDINGdays later. Oh yes, and Walmart, because you gotta pay for the drugs somehow.[3] If we want to write one of those words, we (hopefully) substitute symbols for letters, such as e$cape, k!ll, bl@ck, tr33s. And after much frustration and wasted nickels, I’ve finally learned to use WM. (If a text doesn’t go through right away, I read through it to try to find the accidental offending word, fix the word, and resend it. And sometimes that doesn’t even work, because my talent apparently consists of using these random high-alert words.)

To the Limit

There is a 2,000-character limit per text. That’s 2,000 characters, not words. And spaces count as characters.

We have to pay 5 cents per text. Yes, even the one-word texts. So we don’t send many of those. A nickel might not sound like a lot, but it adds up, folks! I budget $40 a month for texting and video calls. MFT has to pay for his texts too. (Just for kicks, count the number of texts you send in a day to your favorite person when they’re out of town, then multiply by 0.05.)

MFT sends texts from his tablet which, for obvious reasons, is his most precious possession. When the tablets aren’t working, he has to wai MAX 2,000 character limit reached. Insert another 5¢ to continue.

t in line to send texts from the kiosk. (And that’s if the kiosk is functioning!) But that’s not as nice for him. With his typing difficulties, MFT feels rushed since there are men in line behind him snorting and stomping their feet as they wait or scheme for their turns.

MFT’s Superpower

We also don’t have emojis, so we have to go old school and type them ourselves. :0 MFT is a genius with this. He’s quite good at the naughty ones, and once he even created a scene from Jaws! Truly. (I know he’ll disagree with this, but once again I’m reminded just how much free time these guys have.) I foresee a little book in his future on how to create art with text. Or at least a blog post. 

A Better Way

Now, Dolly has some advice for any prison authorities who may be reading. While it’s obviously necessary to block texts like “Get to da choppa!” or “Kill Bill,” what good does it do to snag a text that’s giving advice to an inmate on how to escape? “Buy plastic spoons and start digging.” Or a text that’s telling the prisoner where you’ll be hiding the contraband at the next visit? You’ve just alerted those nefarious texters that you’re on to them. It would be far more efficient on your side to sit back and take notes, without letting on that you know what they’re up to. Your method effectively forces the shady pair to find another way to communicate, a way that you won’t necessarily be privy to. (It also makes things really frustrating for those of us who follow the rules.)

Counting Our Blessings

And that’s it for this little series—hopefully I’ve covered everything you never knew you needed to know about communicating with an inmate.

In closing, let me assure you that as much as I complain about the communication, I am very aware how good we have it! Things used to be much worse—

• Phone calls used to cost money.
• I can remember when he could only call from the wall phones (no tablet calls[4]).
• Definitely no video calls.
• And texts used to cost 35 cents each MAX 2,000 character limit reached. Insert another 5¢ to continue.

! (but at least you got 6000 words)

• There used to be only two wall phones for 84 men. In the two-phone days, he would wait in line for literally hours in order to put his name on a phone list for the opportunity to make a single 15-minute phone call the next day.[5] And Heaven help me if I wasn’t ready to talk when he called . . .

[1] Dolly has ADHD which makes remembering these special words very difficult. Hence her unusually high number of PENDING posts.

[2] How do they expect you to talk about people who make up a large part of our country’s population, especially with pride, without using this word?

[3] Now I ask you. How on earth are you supposed to tell your loved one about your errand day without using this word?

[4] That reminds me—I never told you guys about getting to talk to MFT while he pees! Let me tell you, that was pretty exciting the first time it happened.

[5] Get that straight, quiet line out of your heads! This is not kindergarten. This is a potentially life-threatening situation, standing that close for that long to selfish, cranky men who wouldn’t hesitate to shank you in the dark next week as you walk around a corner if they think you cut them off or looked at them wrong. It requires a lot of diplomatic finesse and interpersonal acumen to successfully navigate these shark-infested waters. Fortunately, MFT has those in spades. It also doesn’t hurt that he’s a big guy.