This is the third part in my series on how to communicate with your inmate. Please remember, your mileage may vary, depending on your state, your prison, and if you’re doing anything worth monitoring.

Just Like Lays

Video calls, the crème de la crème! A relatively new addition to our communication repertoire—ahh, that new car smell—and my favorite. This is the Cadillac of communicating though—formerly $3.00 for 15 minutes, but now we get the new low, low price of only $2.40.

But it’s worth it!

There’s an unusual characteristic about my brain—I can’t remember people’s faces. The face just fades, even of people I’ve known my whole life. The technical term is face memory difficulty.[1] (sarcastic comment in the works about the extreme technicality of that term)

So eventually, without a steady supply of video calls and in-person visits, MFT morphs into just A Voice On The Phone to me. And it’s so, so hard on Dolly to have a relationship with just a voice. But at $2.40 for 15 minutes, the videos really add up, especially on a home health aide’s income. They’re like Lay’s Potato Chips—you can’t have just one! (Of interest, there have been times when we’ve thrown financial caution to the wind and indulged in 10 or more videos in a single day.)

And that’s our dilemma. It’s one we haven’t solved yet.

During Covid, when in-person visiting and inmate photographs[2] were suspended for the foreseeable future and video calls were not even twinkles in the eyes of the powers-that-be, I went 11 months without seeing MFT at all. No photos, no videos, nothing. For  E L E V E N  long months. I got into the habit of asking him to describe himself each day—what are you wearing? What shoes do you have on? What does your beard look like?[3] As reassuring as it was to be able to visualize him, the real excitement came when he’d claim he was going commando . . .

The Vanishing Halo

MFT can video me only from a kiosk or with his tablet attached to a wall mount. But the wall mounts are really jinky, so he doesn’t like to use them. It’s not worth his sanity trying to work with hardware that is determined to thwart him. Bless his dear, trusting heart—MFT has even submitted multiple trouble tickets about this issue.

A side benefit to seeing him is getting to see what his environment looks like behind him. There are three kiosks he calls from, and each view is different. Ideally, from the prison’s perspective, there should always be a halo of blur around MFT’s gorgeous visage, but sometimes the halo glitches.

The halo can glitch in one of two directions—so strong that MFT is enveloped in a cloud, or it disappears completely.

And then—glory be!—everything behind MFT comes into crystal clarity! Depending on which kiosk he’s at, I can see the two levels in the building with hospital-green railings up top, the area where MFT’s pod is (as close to seeing his home as I can get), the chairs and a big wall-mounted TV in the day area, and a wall separating the sections in the building with a gate. Even other inmates in various stages of undress![4] I can also see the isolated, upper-level cul-de-sac where MFT can have a bird’s eye view.

“Are You Lookin’ At . . . ?”

Of course, if I can see who else is around, they can see me, so Dolly must dress appropriately. Some men could care less and make no effort to hide their screen if their female visitor is scantily clad. And some men are so territorial over even the idea that you may have looked at their screen that they want to fight you.

Which reminds me—someone, somewhere, dressed in olive green and a bullet-proof vest, is always watching the video calls,[5] and if you do anything verboten, or if you do anything that even looks like you’re about to do something verboten, your video call will abruptly end.

So one has to be careful about clothing. Don’t try to remove a sweatshirt even if you have a shirt underneath, because the watching eyes can’t see the shirt underneath, and they’ll assume you have nothing else on. And don’t be showing your loved one any sexual toys or nudey photos either! We must protect their innocence.

So, let’s get dirty. (I know you’ve all been hoping I will.)

I have read in the love-a-prisoner groups about women who have had, umm, shall we say, extreme pleasure on their video calls. And they don’t get cut off. Which leads one to conclude that the olive green-clad, bullet-proofed officer is enjoying the video too. (Surely they weren’t sleeping on the job!)

Such behavior is supposedly very verboten–-the idea being that watching your woman (or man!) in such states of extreme pleasure will lead to uncontrollable behavior inside the prison. Opinions may vary, but doesn’t regular sexual gratification soothe the savage beast? Wouldn’t allowing such . . . happy occasions . . . be a useful tool for keeping the peace? And they allow all manner of private encounters on the phones, so really—how is a video different, as long as you’re not showing any naked body parts?

A Note From the Teacher

And now comes one of the most useful pieces of data for a sarcastic, blog-writing prison wife like myself. This next bit is a gold mine, irresistible fodder for humorous innuendoes!

MFT received the following note in his cubby. And yes, I’m breaking the anonymity because . . . well, you’ll see why.

7/11/2022 9:20 PM

“Be advised, Mr. Thurman, that your videos are being observed and your visitor will be removed from your approved list if it continues.”

Oh my goodness, *tsk tsk tsk,* what could IT have been? Whatever did Dolly do? IT must have been pretty bad to warrant a note from the teacher. Did Mr. Thurman get his name written up on the chalkboard that day? Regardless, it certainly meant no more play for Mr. Gray.

I was so inspired by Mr. Thurman’s bad behavior note that I even wrote a little poem about it.[6]

Be advised—

You would be wise, Mr. Thurman,

To stop the fun, Mr. Thurman.

Regret t’inform you, Mr. Thurman

(‘Cause our fun will stop, Mr. Thurman),

You’re being watched, Mister Thurman.

               —Better behave, Mrs. Thurman!

Of course, the video calls can end abruptly (like this post) for other, stupid reasons too. Cheap prison hardware.

[1] L.M. Montgomery, of Anne of Green Gables fame and one of my favorite authors, wrote a short story based on this trait, “The Little Fellow’s Photograph.”

[2] Inmates can purchase photographs of themselves to send to their loved ones.

[3] I stopped after awhile, once I realized MFT’s vast wardrobe only supplied a few combinations, and his hair grows but slowly.

[4] MFT says: “Behave yourself, Dolly.”

[5] Funny story: from time to time, we’d get a floating thumbs up on the screen. At first, we assumed it was a guard’s reaction to our frisky ways. (A natural assumption after MFT’s experience in Post #13.) But then, it would happen when we were being boring. Why would they thumbs up two talking heads? But then, MFT’s magnificent mind realized it’s the same feature on an iPhone. I was doing it myself!

[6] And now you see—Mr. MFT wouldn’t have the same ring as Mr. Thurman.