In case you’re considering it, ponder these—
- How much long-distance sucks.
- That people I’ve known for decades wouldn’t be able to trust ME and MY CHOICE to get past the P R I S O N E R. Maybe I was naïve, but I thought people would love him because I love him.
- How much it costs. (And you thought the state paid for everything? Ha!)
- How unpredictable it is. Visiting can stop for any reason. Phones do stop for any reason. (A CO sneezed? Shut it down!) Lockdown can happen at any time. (There’s always a chance his yard or his whole prison will shut down because someone sneezed, even after you’ve flown halfway across the country to see him).[1] And the cheap prison infrastructure doesn’t work right. (It’s 2025, and you can’t get telephones that work?)
- How much I worry about him—less than adequate healthcare,[2] poor quality food on dirty trays,[3] extreme heat, cold, and humidity in the building,[4] violence,[5] treachery,[6] epidemics & pandemics in such crowded, close quarters.[7]
- Having to live a double life. Because I worry about negative reactions from people. Because of the negative reactions I’ve experienced. This is sad, because it makes me not tell people about MFT which results in me hiding a major part of my life. I avoid talking about my husband at work, because I don’t want to answer the questions that will naturally come up.[8]
To counter that list of negatives, which is making even me feel down, here’s
Dolly’s List of Things to Love About Being Married to an Inmate
- The intense connection. You see, we’ve been forced to rely on telephone communication for the bulk of our relationship.[9] We couldn’t rely on body language, or facial expressions, or physical touch, or sex as we were getting to know each other. Now, we can’t rely on body language, or facial expressions, or physical touch, or sex to resolve our disagreements (of which there are many). We have been forced to actually talk things out. Imagine! As a result, our connection is so tight—something we wouldn’t have if our relationship was like y’all’s.
- The predictability. It’s like the military on steroids. For instance, the hoops I jump through to physically see him are always set up in the same long, tedious procession that could really be operated much faster if they’d take my suggestions. (Of course, when things do vary, for inexplicable reasons, it drives me cRaZy.)
- Automatic welcome in all the love-a-prisoner Facebook groups. I’ve never seen emotional support and bonding at this level in any other Facebook group. (Full disclosure: there is also a large portion of cattiness too. *mrowr!* There seem to be two types of prison wives—the supportive and loving kind, and the selfish, catty kind.[10])
- It is part of my identity now. The guards in the visiting room know who I am. I feel experienced in all things prison-wife-related. There will definitely be a loss and adjustment should MFT ever come home to my toybox—but that’s a hardship I can live with!
- It gives me a soap box. I should say another soapbox, since I’ve always been fond of adopting the less popular causes (home birth, public breastfeeding, cloth diapers, organic foods[11]).
- I do enjoy the notoriety. This is my secret bad girl coming out. A certain part of me loves shocking people. Yes, indeed. (*psst* MFT has prison tattoos. *wiggly eyebrows* How sexy is that?)
- I’m Married Filing Jointly—and I still get the whole bed to myself!
[1] It can go even further–something can happen in one prison that will shut down ALL the prisons in the entire state, such as threat to staff, excessive violence, coordinated gang activity, or a security breach (among other reasons).
[2] And MFT’s “elderly” now, so even though he’s my hunk o’ man, he has some issues.
[3]Food “not meant for human consumption” has been served. MFT himself saw the labels.
[4] You know they’re not going to pamper prisoners. Dogs and cats in shelters are treated better.
[5] MFT once saw a man’s “insides on the outside.”
[6] If someone takes a dislike to you, they can hide contraband in your belongings, so guess what happens during the next search?
[7] Where so many people don’t even wash their hands!
[8] Where’s your husband? Why didn’t he come? What does he do? But I thought you live by yourself?
[9] MFT’s dyslexia and other writing challenges means snail mail is cumbersome for him.
[10] Which one is Dolly, do you think?
[11] Back before organic foods were popular. Back when they were just weirdly expensive.